* Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'The Lawyer', and the party of the second part, also known as 'The Light Bulb', do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
* The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ('Receptacle'), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
* NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.
A long and dreary contract summed up by lawyers just to fix a broken light bulb. Makes you feel like thanking your electrician for his speedy work and no-nonsense attitude, yes? I know I do. Contract laws, however lengthy and a nuisance it can be, does serve a useful purpose, in appropriate situations that calls for a formal agreement. For example, an agreement to change ownership of a piece of land, or to buy an agreed amount of items for an agreed price. You know, the usual ho-hum. It does scare me though, the thought of lawyers on the rise, the over saturation of lawyers. There can only be a limited amount of cases to handle, and only a handful of good ones. Also a raise of hands of those who want to go pro bono. Alright i see none. So what happens to the rest of the unemployed, uncreamed of the crop lawyers? They become your handyman. And once they do be prepared to be slammed with a contract as the above. Lesson learnt? Go create a fiasco and hire a lawyer. Give them an itch to scratch so that your other itch, eg. broken lightbulb, could be scratched by the necessary people at no hassle.
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